Doug and Rebecca Walker

Yup, I admit it. I’m just a wannabe. I want to be a supermom. But I’m not. Everyday, countless things remind me of all the ways that I fall short. So, instead of living under some false pretenses, let me just admit

1 – I cry. I do. It’s not just the babies that cry around here. Sometimes it’s just because I’m so tired. Other times it’s because I’m overly emotional, we watch The Little Princess, or I remember some random memory. Sometimes I weep over the idea that I even have 4 kids as an infertile wife. Other times, I’m so overwhelmed – either with all the pressures on me or from all the prayers God has answered. And sometimes I cry because I’m so fearful. Fearful that I won’t be all that I want to be for my husband and children.

2 – I’ve had to ask for help. I want to do it all on my own. I thought by now I would be doing it on my own. But alas, I’m in over my head. I still depend on my folks a fair amount. I know. My mom has already accomplished her mothering years. I’m the last one of her kids to have a baby and she’s already helped out with the births of lots of other grandkids. And now I went and surprised her with triplets. I’m probably taking years off her life and wearing her down straight to her core. But the simple fact is, there is no one Doug and I would want more to help us care for our children. And there is no one better with babies, than my mom. When she comes, she doesn’t just give help to the babies, she supports and helps maintain the entire family. I’ve no doubt that my mom is helping my marriage, my health, my sanity, Doug, Audrey, the pets, and the babies!

I also have a nanny. Oh yeah. I’ll admit that too. I never wanted to be that kind of a mom, as I pictured them to be somewhat lazy, pretentious ladies who’s solution simply lie in just needing to give her children her all. While there may be some women out there like that, it didn’t take too long for me to see that my best, wasn’t good enough. The housework was getting too neglected. I couldn’t help Audrey with homeschooling. I couldn’t ever get a nap, manage my health problems, and get to physical therapy 3-4x/week. So, I hired someone. I feel like I can’t afford to do it…..but I can’t afford to not do it. We pray that God supplies the finances and that we wean off of her help soon. I thought she’d be done with us by Christmas……but hmmm, my calendar now says January.

3 – My house is often messy. I know – me? You can’t imagine what a huge leaf I’ve turned over. My OCD desires to vacuum every day and never let laundry accumulate into my color-coded hampers. My love for wiping up counters, sinks and stovetops have all gone out the window. I’ll admit my van is nasty. I couldn’t vacuum it out and wipe down the dash with my big belly during the pregnancy and with the c-section afterwards, so it still hasn’t gotten done. I’ve got little (some big) piles of clutter sitting around needing organizing. Some projects went undone during the pregnancy bed rest, remained undone when the babies came a bit unexpectedly, during the 17 day long hospital stay, and round the clock nursing. And call me crazy, but I’ve just decided that it’s not that important any more. Gasp! Sure, I have moments when I obsess and complain about the messes, but I’ve decided that when Doug gets home in the evenings, I’d rather be a family and spend time with Audrey, and do family devotions, than attack every fur ball on the floor, every stray cup in the sink, every burpcloth that has been erped-up on.

4 – I live in the land of guilt. My mind is constantly bogged down with idle thoughts of guilt. I wish this. I wish that. I should’ve done this. I should’ve done that. I would have loved to have this and that. I can’t believe I ….. If only….. And my most common phrase is, ‘I’m sorry….’ I worry I’m a disappointment to everyone. I wonder if I’ve drained our church, extended family, Audrey and Doug of all their patience and help. I war with myself over everything, because everything seems to boil down to cost vs. time. Sometimes I spend the extra time to do something and lament the time I’m taking away from other things. In other areas, I spend the extra money so I’ll have the time, but feel guilty how I’m financially stressing the family. I had lots of time during the long weeks of bedrest during my pregnancy to dream up how I thought life would be when the babies were born. I had some ideas that were up for debate, some that were non-negotiable, and some that were no- brainers, some that weren’t an issue at all. However, all that has turned upside down, and I feel terrible that things aren’t the way I wanted, promised, or worked for them to be. I am tempted to keep in the forefront of my mind examples of women who do things better – women who made it further into their pregnancies, women who don’t hire help, women who save money by using cloth diapers, etc.

5 – I wonder what other people think of me. Grrrrr. So often, I’m a closet people pleaser. Because I have a strong propensity for analyzing and cataloging everyone’s opinions, I ‘m keenly aware of my actions and what I think others are thinking of me, based on previous conversations I’ve had with them. So many people have given me advice about child-rearing, breastfeeding, cloth vs disposable diapers, vaccines, sleeping schedules, bringing babies to church, etc. I get the idea that most folks don’t think my life is as busy as I do! People throw out little tips to me that Doug and I snicker about it private. So many people have these quick little ideas that start with, ‘you should try…","all you’d have to do is…." And everyone’s tips start with the most aggravating word, "just!" Just do this. Just try that. Guess, what? It’s JUST not that easy with 3 infants. We know! This leads into my next issue….

6 – I get annoyed with so many people. So many folks try to relate, give us advice, share random anecdotal stories, and say they understand. I want to be patient. I want to assume the best of people. I want to work hard to evaluate others’ comments for nuggets of truth and wisdom. And I know that people can have good advice about a situation without going through it. But when a mom of one or two children tell me they know exactly how I feel about being tired and having to get up in the night with their kids, I have to believe that getting up 3x as often in the night has to be more difficult. I want to ask them if they really understand what it’s like to have one baby wake the others until they are all screaming and there is only one of you to three crying babies! When folks say they share in my dilemma of how to get to the grocery store, I wonder when the last time they had to figure out how to finagle 3 infant seats at once. And really, don’t tell my about your nursing struggles. I’m one person trying to meet the needs of 3 others all at the same time. When’s the last time you did that?

7 – I don’t count my blessing like I ought. I will say, not a day goes by that I’m not struck with the reality of the miracle God has brought into Doug’s and my life. I mean really – 4 kids! Triplets. How does an infertile, chronically ill girl have 4 children? Sometimes the funniest, most random things will either make me giggle or weep in disbelief. Sometimes, it’s the massive collection of breastmilk and baby food in the freezer. Sometimes, it’s the line up of carseats. Other times, it’s the sounds of three crying babies. But just having these infrequent, random realizations doesn’t mean I’m nearly as grateful to God as I should be. I need to be more purposeful and regular with my praise and thanks. When I’m frustrated with my small house, I need to remember that I have a shelter from the cold. When I tire of all the laundry, I should be glad I don’t have to go down the river with a washboard. When I get sick of making baby food, I should be thankful I didn’t also have to plant and plow the fields to get that food. And when I fear I cannot afford all the expenses of triplets, I should be so grateful for Doug’s job. When I tire of, get frustrated with, or not know how to instruct my children, I should recall those many, many years that I was without children- begging God, pining for, and paying in order to have them. This lack of gratitude is a huge, shocking disappointment to me. How could I not be so grateful for the one thing I worked for the hardest, prayed for most earnestly, and paid for most costly?

8 – I neglect the Word. It’s one of my greatest shames. His Word should be my greatest love, my greatest resource, my greatest hope, my greatest solution to all my troubles. But in my sin, I deceive myself into thinking that I’ll pray and read later or tomorrow. I convince myself that it’s more important to fold laundry, feed my family, or get rest instead of read my Bible. I’ve even found myself asking God why He’s given me so many responsibilities, that He hasn’t provided me the opportunity to obey. Pretty low-down and dirty of me, huh? While I recognize my sin in neglecting my relationship with my Lord, I wrestle and anguish over how to practically read and pray. One major problem is that I cannot stay awake. If I’m not moving, I fall asleep. And even while moving, many actions I do are done mindlessly – so tired that I make mistakes and can’t remember later what I’ve actually done. I thought carrying 3 babies in my womb was super-human. I thought nursing all 3 was pretty super-human. But indeed, devotions, seem to be my most difficult battle.

9 – I’m a big, fat sinner. That’s what all of this boils down to. I’m impatient, unkind, selfish, rude, distrusting, undisciplined, and weak. I’m desperately in need of grace! There are so many promises and principles in Scripture I need to cling to. I must remember that I’m indeed a sinner, and the only value I possess is because Christ lives in me. The bad in me is me. The good in me is not me. I’m worthless in every way, incapable of any good, without the work of His Spirit through me. I’m not even capable of doing good in my own strength. I remember the song we sing, ‘His grace clothes me with power to do what is right.’ When I feel like obedience in not possible, I must cling to the verse that nothing is impossible with Him. I must remember that Christ knows exactly what I’m going through. He is the only One who can really relate. On my worst days, I can find comfort that He endured far worse. And on my best days, I can find hope that so much greater awaits me.

Maybe being a supermom is way overrated. The only moms I know who even come close are those who humbly and totally depend on an omnipresent, all-knowing, all-seeing, eternal, loving super God!

I’m such a bad blogga’ momma! But I’m assuming folks will cut me some slack since I do have 3 6-month old babies and an 8 year old I’m homeschooling!

Let me try to give you some summaries and hit all the high points since my last post.

AUDREY
Audrey is doing amazing with her school work. She is still loving Bob Jones Press distance learning program. She is pulling in all A’s and we couldn’t be more proud of her. God has given her a very creative brain! She continues to spend the majority of her days with the triplets. I know I say it in every post, but she is the best big sister and helper! At times I just have to chuckle in disbelief that she’s actually only 8 years old! She’s so consistently wonderful that I fear I’ll come to take it for granted. At times I almost fret over how little she requires discipline. I wonder if I’m overlooking something. Or maybe that I’m just in for it when she become a teenager. Or just maybe those tremendously trying years of so much discipline in her 3-5′s actually is resulting in the mother-load of joyful reaping!

ALAYNA
Alayna’s biggest accomplishment has been screaming. I do mean SCREAMIING! She’s spent hours honing in her skill of sounding like someone’s sawing off an appendage of hers. It’s astounding that her little round face, pudgy cheeks, and great big eyes can be the source of such vile sounds. Love her – don’t love the screaming. She still screams out at least 2x each night. There is never a lead up of fussing. Instead she bursts into shrill screams that terrify us. She just figured out last week how to roll from her back to her tummy. She still is more observant than the other two. In fact, we joke that one of these days, she’s going to turn her head an entire 360 degrees so she doesn’t skip a beat! She nurses the quickest and is the most easily distracted. She also likes to stand (with assistance) more than the others. She wants to do everything from a standing position – even be burped. She is dreadfully afraid of unfamiliar faces and can’t seem to warm up to friends and family with any amount of time. She has got quite a bit of eczema on her legs and head. Poor baby has learned various methods for itching her head! Last week at their 6 month check-up she cut her first tooth and weighed in at 13lbs even. She is the longest of the three.

CALEB
Caleb is the MOVER in the group. Holy smokes can he roll and roll. He rolls in both directions very quickly. Last week he began getting up on his hands and knees and rocking. The last couple of days he’s gotten onto his hands and knees and propels himself forward with a big thrust smack into a face plant on the floor. We’ve had to stop swaddling his arms in his swaddler at night since he can roll so much. We’ve also instituted the stern ‘Be Still!’ when we change his diaper or get him dressed, otherwise it’s an impossible task, or I fear he’ll fling himself off the changing table. Caleb really loves our dog, Sadie. Strangely, Sadie really only pays attention to Caleb. Every now and again, Sadie steals a little lick on his hands or toes and Caleb coos back at her! Caleb is happiest right before bed time. He loves to laugh and be tickled and talk right after he nurses, just before Doug puts him in his crib. He is still the best sleeper at night, rarely if ever, cries out at night. Most of the time we have to wake him in the morning for breakfast. He is the first to discover tags on toys and blankets! Caleb is still very afraid of things being near his eyes – blankets, shirts, hair, or water. We have to plan and time precisely getting his shirts on and off very quickly so that he doesn’t freak out. Of all the kids, Caleb most enjoys his feet. He’d prefer his toes over any toy, guaranteed. Last week, Caleb surprised us with 2 teeth on the same day, without any warning or usual signs of fussiness. He weighed in at 13lbs 3 oz. Because he is so mobile/active, he looks the leanest.

CHARLIE
Charlie is still my big smiler. As soon as that boy is half way awake, he starts flashing smiles. He’s not discriminatory with the smiles either – family, friends, strangers, you name it – Charlie grins! He seems to enjoy his toys more than the others and smiles at them all the time. He is more social than the other two. He loves to reach out for, smile at, and coo to Alayna and Caleb. He is more fair skinned than the other two. He can sit up for about 20 seconds, which the others cannot. Charlie likes to nap on his back now. That was kind of a painful process – for so long he could roll from his tummy to his back and would then scream not knowing how to roll back over. My mom calls him a little ‘rolly-pollie’ because he stays all balled up when you pick him up. Often he nurses in the foot ball position with his little knees pulled up to his chest. Last night Charlie finally rolled from his back to his tummy! He still snorts from time to time, potties while you change his diaper, burps like crazy, and makes us laugh. He responds most to music. The last 2 1/2 weeks have been pretty rough for Charlie. He’s been fussing a bunch, lethargic, enjoying much cuddling, and not napping well. He has yet to cut a tooth, so I’m wondering if this is his problem. Charlie weighed in last week at 13lbs 6oz. He is also the shortest.

DAILY LIFE
I did something I thought I’d never, ever do. I let the babies have ‘lovies’. You know – those little 12 inch square blankets that basically serve no purpose. They all loved to pull burp cloths, their jammies, and blankets up around their faces. Since someone had given us 3 super-soft tiny blankets, I went ahead and gave them to the kids. Sometimes I wonder if they’ll be 8 yrs old, dragging some nasty, crusty, frayed blanket around with them. But for now, they sure love them.

Our schedule has remained the same for the last 6 weeks or so. The babies get up about 7:30am. They nurse 6 times a day, every 3 hours. Since we still cling to the eat-play-sleep cycle, they all nurse, play for about an hour and 15 minutes and then sleep for an hour to hour and half before waking to repeat the cycle. Our last feeding is about 10:45pm each night. It still takes a good hour to hour and 15 minutes for me to nurse, burp, and diaper all three babies.

Yesterday we introduced solid food! I wanted to wait until between 7-8 months. But since the babies were again not really on the growth chart, I decided to go ahead. They seemed content with just breastfeeding. None of them are ‘really’ sitting on their own. And none of them have a clue that I have a mouth, eat food, or use utensils to deliver yummies to my mouth. But, I know I’ve always been right on the edge of having enough milk for them. So, I did it! We’re not going the route of cereal. I didn’t want to fill their bellies with carbs; instead, I desired to fill them with nutrient-dense food. So, we chose avocados first. I smashed avocados with breastmilk and all seemed to take to it better than I was thinking. In fact, they seemed to enjoy it even more on day 2! Soon, I’ll be introducing bananas, egg yolks, sweet potatoes, homemade whole milk kefir, meats, green veggies, and squash. And yes, I plan to make all of the babies’ food just as I did with Audrey. Along with my views on breastfeeding, I believe homemade by Momma is best and much cheaper (especially x3!). I will thin out all of the food with pumped milk. Since about 3 months old, when they moved to about 5 hours of sleep at night, I began adding a late night pumping so that I’d have a good stash for this.

Doug and I are still feeling very busy and sleep deprived. I suppose it’s better than it was those first 2-3 months. Maybe. Although we are getting about 4 1/2-5 hours of sleep now, we are just so ‘tired’ of doing this for so long. Just this morning, we talked about how we have GOT to get more sleep. It may mean skipping some of the things we try to get done late at night once the kids are all in bed and me skipping that late night pumping. Between the tremendously physically taxing pregnancy and the care of the triplets over the last 6 months, I’ve not had 1 night of more than 6 hours of sleep in over a year. That’s pretty crazy considering my fibromyalgia really requires I get at least 10 hours of sleep each night.

11-11-11
Last Friday was 11-11-11. All my life I though that 11:11 was the niftiest time on the clock. I know, silly. Then I thought it was cool when, as a teenager, I discovered on my birth certificate that I was born at that time. Then, 16 years ago, on 11-11, Doug and I had a massively long date to discuss our intentions/future/marriage! So, Doug and I couldn’t let 11-11-11 go by unnoticed. My folks kept all 4 kids and we got a cabin in Gatlinburg, TN for 2 nights. We had so many hopes for the quick get-away. Although it was nice to be together, God had planned for us to have things go much differently than planned. Our cabin didn’t have curtains on the vast amount of windows, so it was hard to nap and sleep in with the sun shining on my face. The head of our bed was slightly lower than the rest of the mattress. Headache. Traffic was wretched, causing a simple ride to a restaurant to take over an hour. Our favorite restaurant had a line down the sidewalk just to get in, so we opted to ditch it. And most aggravating, was all the pumping. Although in the first 17 days after giving birth, I pumped a TON, I’ve not had to exclusively pump. I quickly came to understand all the meaning behind why they say babies are much more efficient and better at emptying a mom then a silly pump. Although I was able to pump a fair amount, I could never come close to emptying myself. So it was sort of a scenario of 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I kept getting more and more full every hour until I was in agony. I couldn’t hardly sleep. I woke up and pumped – hold on to your seats – 22oz and was still super full and rock solid. I thought for sure I was going to be the first woman to die by means of milk engorgement! So, plans changed and we ditched the plans we were most looking forward to, in order to come home and feed babies. We went home early, me in tears. We arrived to babies, happy to nurse. Quickly, they all became quite milk-drunk. I finally had relief, but was bruised for days and still sad at how our trip had gone. Oh well, just part of life. Life as a grown-up!

One year ago today, we thawed our precious embryos and had them transferred into my womb.

I’ll never forget my nerves. We prayed so hard that all the babies would survive the thaw. We were so elated to hear they all did. We were surprised to see there were 3 embryos. Our hearts were pretty torn up when the embryologist said, because of the quality of the embryos, we weren’t increasing our odds of having multiples by transferring all 3 into me. I felt like she was basically telling me some of my babies were guaranteed to not make it.

We kept on praying. I’m sure some thought it was funny to pray so diligently for what they would refer to as a mass of cells. Some thought they were just a shred of hope. But God knew them as Alayna, Caleb, and Charlie. We knew we were praying to a great God who created them and could sustain them. But still, we just had no idea of what God had in store for us all.

We could never have imagined that day that God would give us such a grand year. That He would grant to us 3 gorgeous babies. 3 precious embryos that are now our very own!!

By the way -  it sure is funny to go back and look at last year’s posts to see what we were thinking and feeling at the time. Now, it’s all a blurrrrrrrrr.

This week the boys both rolled over for the first time! Actually, Caleb was first! He rolled over on Thursday. Charlie rolled over on Saturday for the first time and did it again Sunday! They went from their tummies to their back. Tonight, Charlie kept trying to roll over, but Caleb was in his way. Charlie just kept resting his head on Caleb’s back until he eventually spotted the intriguing documentary techie Daddy was watching about Steve Jobs. So, Charlie was mesmerized as well!

All of the babies have been loving this new ‘Gentile Giraffe’ by Cloud b I bought. We’ve affectionately named it Ju-Ju. It’s a stuffed animal with a sound machine inside. It has 4 different sounds, two different timer options, and a volume control. As with many things in our home, I just don’t have enough to go around. I think the the triplets are going to learn this trend at an early age. I REALLY need to purchase a few more of these…..or maybe the babies need to learn to fuss one at a time so that they can share Ju-Ju a little more easily!

Friday night before their bath we did another weight check. Alayna weighed in at 11lbs 3.6oz. Caleb was 11lbs 6.8oz. And Charlie was 11lbs 4oz! Alayna’s been bulking up a bunch, catching up with her brothers!

Here are a few more random pics from this week.

Everyday, Audrey – the perfectly doting big sister that she is – tells the kids stories! She uses various toys as props, and very easily, captivates the babies. It’s truly uncanny to see how they watch her and clearly, adore her. The babies have been known to listen to her stories, for over 30 minutes.  Audrey is such an amazing girl! Friday, I snapped some pictures of her telling the boys a story about the ‘very hungry caterpillar’. She chose this activity as her little study break from homeschooling!

I’m finding out with that with three little itty-bitties, it sure is stinkin’ hard to blog!

The babies are 3 1/2 months old!! Although, with their adjusted age, they are referred more to as babies who should follow a developmental curve of a baby 6 weeks behind. However, after going to the pediatrician, the doctor was pleased to see the triplets acting like babies slightly ahead of their adjusted age. Wahoo! At their 3 months check up, everyone was hovering around the 10lb mark.  All are napping during the day on their tummies and sleeping on their backs at night. All of them resist playing on their tummy, but we try many times a day, nonetheless. We’re getting better at developing a routine of eating, playing on the floor play gym for 20 minutes, swinging for 20 minutes, napping in the downstairs pack and plays. During the day, feedings are every 3 1/2 hours. Evening feeds are about every 3 hours. Night time feedings are about every 3 1/2 – 4 1/2 hours. Every evening I try to hold one baby for 30-45 minutes in either my Moby wrap or sling. It’s just my special time with them. Wish I could do it all day, but it’s critical I get them to learn to entertain and console themselves.

Night times are the most exhausting thing in the world. The babies are most fussy in the evenings when Doug comes home – (hopefully not a reflection on how they feel about their Daddy). It makes dinner, hearing about Daddy’s day, and family devotions very difficult. After everyone is in bed, I have to wait about 25 minutes and then pump for 15 minutes. Then, once I collapse in bed, the craziness of having triplets goes into full affect! Usually, someone will start crying and I lay there awake listening, wondering if they’ll be able to soothe themselves. Eventually, I get up to put in a pacifier, change a diaper, or pat a back for a random burp. Then I get back into bed and just drift off when I hear a different baby for a similar scenario. I get back to bed and hear either the third baby or the first one again. Eventually I get in bed and look at the clock and realize any or all of them could start fussing because mealtime is in 20 minutes or so. Some nights I choose to feed them all a little early instead of trying to soothe someone back to sleep and catch 15 minutes of sleep. It’s really easy to not ever get to sleep until about 3:45am, only to realize I should feed them around 4am. So then I nurse, burp and do diapers until 5:15 and get everyone back in their beds. Doug’s alarm goes off at 6:30 and there is no telling how many other cries I’ll hear off and on after that 4am feeding.

How everyone is doing!
Alayna
She still really struggles with taking a paci. It’s just not her thing. To get her to do it, you have to put a dot of Mylicon on the end of it! She only wants things in her mouth with flavor! She smiles and coos, but not quite as much as the boys. She favors kicking her right foot only. My dad says she’s gonna be a real lead-foot someday when she drives! She still has a cry that is softer and more delicate than the boys. Most crying is preceded by the most pathetic sounding wining and poochy lip. So incredibly cute! She spends a little more time sleeping on her back than on her tummy, and has the small bald spot to prove it! She still has incredibly large eyes and enjoys watching everything around her. Her eyelashes are thicker and longer than Caleb’s and Charlie’s. And she is still the best little nurser! She is JUST like a little bird. When it comes time for feedings, her mouth starts sucking away soon as she sees me! She has a nice wide mouth like a tiny baby bird. She can eat considerably more than the boys and in a much shorter time! Alayna wakes so beautifully. It doesn’t take much to rouse her, and she’ll stretch, open her eyes nice and wide, and flash a little, ‘sweet’ smile. Our precious little ‘Cupcake’!

Caleb
He has the most ‘beautiful’ smile! The corners of his upper lip absolutely melt my heart. His eyes are mostly brown now The other two have deep blue eyes (that I think will eventually turn brown). He enjoys kicking up a storm on the play gym. And he LOVES looking up at the fish mobile above his swing. He enjoys his swing more than the other two. He still has the most expressive eyebrows that make us chuckle each day. Caleb has definitely begun to show us a new angry side. Shrill screams and kicking his legs. He doesn’t particularly like getting his clothes changed and often chooses to show us this not-so-lovely side of himself. Caleb now laughs when you tickle him around his collar bone. It’s a subdued laugh, but a laugh, nonetheless. And yes, I’ll admit – my mom got his first laugh. And again, I’m willing to accept that. Maybe it’s their way of thanking grandma for helping so much! Caleb is getting really close at rolling over. He’s got the cutest little ears and loves to cuddle. Caleb looks more like Alayna than Charlie; however he is definitely the link between Alayna and Charlie. Caleb is doing well on Zantac 2x/day. His voice had been hoarse for many weeks, but has shown some improvement since being on the medicine.

Charlie
He is still super full of personality! We’ve been having fun with his hair lately. It’s really growing! Sadly, it’s thinning out, though. I can’t help but mourn the loss of all the little black hairs left in his crib in the morning or on his side of the nursing pillow when he was done eating. Charlie definitely coos, squeals, and smiles the most. His smiles are large, open-mouthed ‘cute’ smiles. He still cries the most, but the smiles make up for it! Last week, Charlie gave me his first laugh! I was tickling him and I got 2 great giggles! Charlie has been the first to do everything – smile, coo, giggle, shimmy down the crib, etc. I think Charlie likes to cuddle with his siblings. Every time I put him in the pack and play or crib with Caleb and/or Alayna, I find him scootched over and up against someone else. Charlie’s reflux is being well-controlled with Prevacid. We spend time each day stretching his neck, since he highly favors looking only to his right side. I’m expecting Charlie to roll over any day now. He still is our little ‘zoo baby’ as he makes so many funny animal sounds – he sounds like a goose when he nurses, like a goat when he cries, he snorts like a pig, has a strange Velociraptor sound, as well! 

Audrey
Audrey has completed 11 days of homeschool! This year we decided to use Bob Jones Press Hard drive extended learning option for her. She’s very exited about this. The videos are ‘fun’ to her and very much captivate her attention. Doug let her have my old laptop and even let her decorate it with tons of stickers! She’s learned how to make her own backgrounds, email, start up her school, and use OneNote for following along with the lesson plans. Doug bought her a new desk, hooked her up with some speakers and pink head phones! She enjoys being a little techie. I think she enjoys getting into the same kind of things that excite her daddy!

Audrey continues to be a source of great joy to Doug and I. Ok, and to the babies as well! I think the babies give her just as many smiles and coos as they do to Momma and Daddy. They just love her. Audrey still volunteers to cuddle them, burp them, change diapers, get them dressed, move them into swings, etc. Some days she sits down on the play gym mat when they start to get fussy, and she uses toys as props to some elaborate story she concocts. I can’t help but well up with tears when I see all three of the babies’ eyes fixated on Audrey! The babies have woken her up just a couple times in the night, but I’m amazed not more. Not once since the babies came home has Audrey complained about anything! ANYTHING! I’m serious. She hasn’t complained about the crying, the dirty diapers, the time Momma and Daddy have to spend away from her and with the babies, etc.

Doug and I
Every week, at some point, Doug and I are overcome with emotion at our family. We still have moments that we can hardly believe we are the parents to a mature 8 year old and to 3month old triplets. We can’t get over the wisdom in God’s plan to space our children out as He did. For so many years throughout our infertility, we questioned how life would be with kids 8 years apart. But God, in His perfect grace sovereignly gave us what feels like such a perfect situation! And we are grateful to Him, also, that at this time in our marriage, mom and dad live within driving distance to help us. I can’t imagine what we would have done if the triplets had been born anytime in the last year, when they were so consumed with the care needed for Papa David in their home. We are thankful that the babies came in the summer and not during the school year.

Doug is still a great source of help to me. Mostly, he’s very encouraging and doting, always reminding me of the good job I’m doing. His late-night sense of humor sure keeps me hanging on some nights! I know he wishes he could spend more time with the babies and with Audrey, help me more, work at the office a bit more, and sleep a bit more. So, not being able to do any of those things as well as he wants, can be taxing to him. It’s all so different when you have your first child. And so different when baby number two, comes immediately with baby three and four! I’m so grateful that right now he is doing 95% of the school preparation, grading, lesson planning, etc. What a FABULOUS husband and daddy we all have!

I’m ok…Some days I’m able to completely relish in the fact that I have 4 kids when I so vividly recall the days I thought I’d never have any. And then some days I’m so incredibly fatigued, I seem incapable of complete thoughts, let alone joyful ones. I’ll admit to finding the celery in the plastic wrap/foil drawer and realizing their was a jar of Tabasco sauce in the knife drawer! I’ve been known to throw away the entire filter basket on the coffee maker when trying to dump out the grounds from the last pot. I’m so full of bizarre actions these days. I don’t ever recall being any where near this tired ever before in my life! I love breastfeeding the triplets, but it consumes all my energy, time, tears, and effort. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even harder than the pregnancy! I wrestle with guilt that I can’t be super mom – that my all is just not good enough. I wish I had more time with Audrey, more time with Doug, and more time with the triplets on an individual basis. Instead, I’m out of touch with Audrey’s schooling, I have days when the only holding time with the babies has been because of nursing, and I have a husband that surely would love to see his wife with some makeup and to spend some time cuddling. I feel pulled in so many directions externally all the while dealing with so many physical problems. I am happy to report that I am now 18lbs less than when I even got pregnant! I will be going to the doctor this week to further investigate why my spine is still so sore at the spinal tap site. It’s been almost 4 months since the c-section! I struggle greatly with having time to read my Bible, and if and when I do read, I constantly fall asleep and don’t really digest or remember anything.

At times I really miss being pregnant. I KNOW! That makes no sense. Especially after such a rough pregnancy. But I miss the wonder and the way it felt to have all three babies inside me. I miss having them with me all the time. There is no way now I can hold all three babies on my lap now. I don’t have nearly enough time in my day for all of them. When I was pregnant, they were always with me. It’s a strange separation anxiety that I just can’t explain.

Some of struggles & basically, just TMI
*As a small disclaimer, all of this is probably ‘too much information’ for the average reader! But nevertheless, I make it part of our blog in order to record this as part of our journey and as a way to help fellow mommas who are struggling and stumble across the blog!
One of our biggest struggles is with the third eater at every nursing. Because the third baby has to work harder and gets less, most of the time the baby gets sleepy or angry. The boys are more prone to getting angry, especially Charlie! Right now, I’m using an SNS (supplemental nursing system) when the 3rd baby is just inconsolable. Basically, it’s just a little bottle that I fill with about 1oz of milk and works like a siphon . It has a small tube I attach to myself so that the baby is getting some milk slowly (to keep them happy) but is still sucking and stimulating me to make more let-downs.

We spent all last month weighing babies before and after each feeding to see how much they were getting. And we also did naked weight checks each or every other night to monitor overall weight gain. The weighing confirmed that the third eater is getting much less, however the babies weight gain has been between 3/4-1oz per day. So that is good. The theories behind why this is all still working it are either that the 3rd nurser is only getting fatty hindmilk and therefore doesn’t require as much. Or the babies’ metabolisms have come to adapt to the cycle of 2 large meals, 1 small, 2 large, 1 small, repeat….

I’m in my 8th week of dealing with a super wretched yeast infection that has permeated into the milk ducts. Let me tell you how wicked it is and how absolutely sick of it I am! I’m on my 4th round of diflucan treatments – something along the lines of 50+ pills. The concern is in the back of my mind that I’m hurting my liver, but I’m not sure what else to do. After each feeding, I’ve taken to washing off with vinegar/water solution, air drying, and alternating between APNO and lanolin. I’m taking grapefruit seed extract pills 3x/day. I take probiotics, garlic and Echinacea 3x/day as well. I’m swapping out nursing pads and bras left and right, washing everything we have in HOT water with vinegar or grapefruit seed extract in the rinse cycle. The babies are getting their mouths swabbed out with Nystatin after each feeding. And 3x/day they get a little probiotic powder on their tongues. And still….I’m hurting and hurting and hurting…..

So then last week, we turned to Gentian Violet. Every night I painted myself purple. Then we undress the babies, slather their entire face, neck, and chest with lanolin, and let them nurse. It’s the most intensely messy stuff. Their burp cloths, pacifiers, and jammies are stained purple. But most purple, are their mouths! Oh my goodness! The first night I did it, I was pretty stressed out. I just couldn’t relax knowing I had stained my precious little babies purple. My mom thinks it’s funny. She says it looks like they’ve been sucking on purple magic markers. However, to me – when I look at my little boys, I can’t help but think they either look like some punk/Goth babies or like drag queens in training. Here’s Alayna with some purple still remaining on her lips. It’s off her face, but her lips are still stained. She looks like a little doll here with painted lips!

Due to the stress of the yeast, my little sleep, and the lazy/angry 3rd eater, I’ve noticed a small decline in my milk production. So I’m taking Domperidone, Fenugreek & Blessed Thistle. YUP! I know – me. The girl who said hardly anyone legitimately has a milk production issue. The girl who said that if you ‘work the system, the system works’. It’s been a huge struggle for me emotionally to deal with this. Mostly it centers around pride, I think. I wanted to look like I could do it ALL! To admit even just a smidge of defeat is just unacceptable to me. But I took 2 nursing vacations with the babies and have added some pumping into my routine in order to boost production.

So, I will admit that there have been a FEW times that I’ve had to give the 3rd nurser an ounce of formula. But, hardly ever. And last week I had a strange 24 hour bug, so I let Doug and my mom give everyone a bottle of formula once in the night so that I could sleep (what’s that??). I’ve just about completely exhausted my stash of frozen milk. (teary -eyed moment) Right now, due to the yeast, I cannot really pump and store my milk. Since freezing doesn’t kill the yeast, I don’t want to use thawed milk down the road and reintroduce the yeast – assuming it’s every really gone. I do still have 1 pumping session each night, though, so that my body gets in the habit of producing a bit extra. About 20-30 minutes after the midnight feeding, I pump for about 10-15 minutes. This allows me to have milk for a bottle for everyone during the week (date or church – as if we ever really go on dates!) and milk for supplementing with the SNS.

As with Audrey, I have the problem of excess lipase in my milk. It’s an enzyme in milk responsible for breaking down fats in the milk. After about 24 hours of refrigeration and after being frozen, it takes on this nasty, soapy/metallic smell and flavor. It’s vile if you ask me. It sorta perturbs me, and I hate that there is nothing I can do to make it different. There isn’t anything ‘wrong’ with the milk, but most babies don’t like the flavor of this and will refuse a bottle of pumped milk. Audrey was this way. In fact with her, I had to pitch a huge stash of milk before I realized the problem. I tried to get her to take it numerous times, but it was always unsuccessful. I’m super grateful that the triplets are ok with the soapy-tasting milk! So for now, I’m not going to scald the milk after pumping, before it goes into the freezer. I don’t want to compromise any of the health benefits of the milk, so I’ll continue giving them the funky milk if they’ll have it. But I can’t help but hate that it’s not super sweet and yummy – like I wish I could make it for them.

The babies will be 9 weeks old July 8th. Tomorrow they have their 2month check-up, so I’ll do my best to put all their weights and lengths up here tomorrow – with, dare I say, some pictures!

There are tons of slots still on the care calendar. For those of you who are local and want to sign up, send me an email and I’ll give you the security code to view the calendar.

Everyone has been battling colds here. It started with Alayna and has hit all 6 of us! Because of this, we’re asking everyone who is under the weather or having any suspicious symptoms to please wait to sign up until they are feeling better. When you do come to help, they’ll be hand sanitizer all over the house, so don’t worry about using too much! We are so thankful that God has kept the babies safe so far. With them being so little and premature, we are so grateful that it wasn’t RSV or pneumonia. Just a little extra fussing and a whole bunch of extra yucky noses!

Again we are grateful for God’s protection through all the storms that have hammered Knoxville this summer. Even when neighbors suffered much damage, we managed to survive relatively unscathed! We had a little siding/roof damage that leaked some water into the kitchen ceiling. And we had our first 8 hour night without power that had me nursing and changing diapers by candelight! Audrey thought the middle of the night huddle in out tiny half-bath with all the babies during a tornado warning was quite an adventure!

Charlie is doing a little better with his reflux now that he is taking Zantac. He is still fairly fussy, but has turned into our first happy responder. It cheers our hearts when he coos and flashes us big smiles. Those moments really help us get through the tough days. Alayna is still bright-eyed and just starting to coo. We think we’ve seen a couple smiles, but we’re waiting to be more impressed! Caleb is channeling all his emotions right now through his eyebrows! Too cute! He has yet to smile or coo, but I can tell they are right around the corner. For now, his eyebrows provide much entertainment.

I’m doing my best to update our website with pictures. www.dougandbec.net Let me tell you, though – it’s hard to find the time! I frequently put quick pictures up on Facebook, so if you aren’t my friend yet, please send me a friend request.

Thank you so much for your gift of diapers. We found the preemie and newborn stash to be very necessary! The babies are in Newborn size still, since they are all around 7lbs. We go through roughly 28 diapers a day. Yes, that’s right! It’s costing about $170 a month. I think if I weren’t so sleep deprived and busy, I should really be getting a job to pay for all these diapers!

Our biggest need right now is prayer. Please pray for our health. Not only for the babies’ health, but Momma’s health. I’m not getting much sleep – 1 to 2 1/2 hours at any one time. I’ve been battling a very painful yeast infection in my breasts that is making nursing very painful and too excruciating at times to even accomplish. It’s also cutting my milk supply down a bit. So far, it’s been resistant to treatment and I’m very discouraged. I’m not sure how I’ll cope if we will have to stop breastfeeding. I’m a die-hard breastfeeding fan. I think it’s best for babies’ health, I enjoy the bonding time with the babies, and I can’t imagine how we will afford formula for 3 babies.

We still find ourselves needing help! It’s very helpful to have ladies come and pitch in with the housework, burping, and diapering of the babies. Also, meals are really helpful. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are good. Maybe even an occasional Saturday or Sunday would even be better. Our yard could be mowed every other week.

Sometimes it is helpful to have you bring your kids with you. Audrey enjoys playmates. Sometimes other children are very helpful to me and their moms and are provided great practical experience with our 3 itty-bitties – opportunities not frequently available. I’ve really enjoyed watching some of the teenage girls so willing to listen and watch their moms as they seek to learn to care for our babies. It really thrills my heart to see the servant’s hearts in the youth and the patient tutelage of the other moms!

Please make sure your kids are ‘appropriate’ helpers as I’m often nursing the babies. It would be good to have you call me ahead of time and let me know if you are needing/wanting to bring your kids with you on the day you signed up for. Also, It’s helpful to give confirmation if you’ll be bringing a meal on the day that you are coming to help. This way, I can plan ahead to make a meal for my family on the nights no one is signed up. Our yard doesn’t need to be mowed too often and not on a strict, regular schedule. If the yard work slot doesn’t work for you on Saturday, call and arrange a different time in the week.

We cannot begin to say thank you enough to all of you. We wonder when we’ll ever have the time to repay everyone for their generosity to our family. Please know, that each night after you all leave our home, our family spends time praying for each of you. We pray that God will bless you richly and that you will be refreshed, just as you have refreshed us!

We hope everyone had an enjoyable July 4th. We had our first venture out of the house – we went to my mom and dad’s! It was nice to have a change of scenery and let the babies see Grandma, Grandpa and Nana’s house. I had to laugh, though, that we were packing up all our junk to go over there and feed babies. With such long feedings that come so frequently, there isn’t much time for anything else. Our neighborhood did have some fireworks right behind our house on Saturday night. Audrey enjoyed the fireworks, but the dog and cat thought otherwise!

This past Thursday, the 16th, marked my due date for the triplets. Friday, the 17th marked 6 weeks old for the babies. Funny, huh? We are doing well at home. Certainly, life is all around so much better to NOT be in the NICU. I love being the mom, making decisions for my children, and not playing second fiddle to nurses.

The babies are nursing every 3 hours, with the occasional 4 hour stretch at night. We’re still learning how to get them bulked up and tummies filled so that they will learn to sleep through a longer stretch at night. And the days are filled with trying to make them understand that it is daytime, not night time! So, the curtains are opened, lights on, and extra stimulation is offered during the day, and we’re maintaining high hopes that our efforts will be realized by them even more in the coming days.

Everyone is nursing well. The babies and I are growing more proficient at nursing two at time. And I’m learning to juggle getting a baby latched on, while shortly after trying to get someone burped without disrupting the nursing baby.  I see tremendous progress.

Our biggest lifesaver right now is the help we’re getting! My mom stays with us each night from 9pm until the next morning at 9am. Mom is the greatest, magical baby whisperer known to all baby-kind! Her help has been so invaluable, I can’t explain it. Obviously, it’s helpful to have our baby monitor off and be wakened when mom appears at our bedside with a hungry baby. She passes babies back and forth to me during feeding times, allowing Doug to not be disturbed. She handles all the late night burping, diaper changing, occasional clothing changes, and even helps me get my snacks in the night. Granted, we’re still tired, but Doug is able to get to work and I’m able to function with a smidge more sanity than we could if she weren’t around. We’re beginning to wean off her help – which shows us even more vividly how much we like her help!

My friends from church come each weekday to help as well. Someone comes from 8:30am until 12:30pm and then someone different comes from 12:30pm until about 4:30pm. We’re getting help with meals from church friends as well! Again, Doug and I have been so humbled and amazed at the generosity and encouragement of the Body! For so many months, while on bed rest, I missed out on church services, fellowship, activities, and small group. I so enjoy the fellowship and encouragement I receive each day now – not to mention adult conversation with people who aren’t just NICU nurses!

Audrey has been LOVING being a big sister. I just can’t emphasize how much she is enjoying this experience. At times, she wells up with emotion, verbalizing her wonder and praise over God’s amazing answer to our prayers for a family. She loves to watch the babies, kiss on them, dream of days to come,  and help in any way she can. Doug is so patient and thorough to help Audrey learn how to hold the babies, diaper them, dress them, and even to bathe them. She finds no tasks menial, but rather delights in any way to be of help to the family. Obviously, her joyful servant’s heart is such a joy to Doug’s and my heart.

Doug and I never tire of relishing in the great gift God has given to us in these three babies! At times we just weep and other times we giggle with excitement or stand amazed at the treasure entrusted to us. Obviously, I can’t help but wonder how in tarnation these babies actually fit inside my womb. No medical explanation can come close to suffice, when one really attempts to understand the handiwork of their Maker! The babies have many things in common, and yet they each have so many individual traits that keep us glued to them!

Alayna is such a delicate thing. Doug refers to her as his cupcake, but I laugh that she is really more of a tiny petit four! She is easy to awaken, and always makes even the most tiring midnight feed a joy with her wide, attentive eyes. She’s better at supporting her head than the boys are. She is fairly low-key, definitely the least fussy of the babies. She loves to purse her little lips in a perfect little pucker or like she’s waiting for someone to give her a drink through a tiny straw. Most of the time, her eyes are open a tiny bit when sleeping and she makes a cute little sighing sound every time she exhales. She is a fabulous nurser. Often I see her as a little bird, mouth wide open, and conscientious to accomplish a difficult job no matter how little she is. She weighed in a 6lbs 3oz at her 1 month check-up. Her cheeks are beginning to fill out, and she is the baby whose looks are changing the most.  Even though she’s supposedly the same weight at Charlie, it sure doesn’t feel like it. She’s such a wispy little girl!

Caleb is still the biggest, weighing in at 6lbs 10oz. His skin is a smidge fairer than the other two, and in general just has the smoothest, most beautiful skin tone. He loves to hang out and nurse with Momma for a while, so I’m trying to get him to better hang on to his paci and wouldn’t be the least bit disappointed if he learned to love his thumb! He seems to be a bit sensitive. He is easily startled and gets rattled more than the others. He has no subdued, fussy cry. It’s full-on, big time, crying. He cries with such high pitched intensity that he’s hoarse most of the time. Caleb likes to fall asleep in the swing, with his hands up by his face, fingers spread apart, as if to tell everyone to, ‘stop, back away!’ Often he enjoys sleeping on his tummy, now.

Charlie. Oh Charlie boy! I see a hand-full in that boy just on my horizon! He’s very passionate I guess you could say. Everything about him is dramatic. He’s so amazingly cute! His hair is just so captivating to us! I think we all secretly wish for ways to give him more baths, so that we can see his hair fluff up and OUT! His hair is so awesome – as well as his sideburns and hairy shoulders! He makes so many more facial expressions, sounds, and body movements than the others. He snorts ALL THE TIME! He’s like no other baby I’ve ever known. He’s quite the little piggy. And let me tell you about his burps. I wonder sometimes if Daddy is sneaking him some root beer! He’s learned to scoot around a bit – I suppose a consequence from all of his his thrashing and screaming. Sadly, right now, those are his favorite behaviors. The last couple nights, Charlie has been in our prayers as we hope for him to be more content! He weighs 6lbs 3 oz.

The babies are sleeping in their own separate cribs at night and nap together at least once a day in the pack and play. They all enjoy the swings, and the occasional play time together in the play gym. For all of them, preemie clothes are getting too tight, but newborn things still swallow them up! We’re in the same situation with diapers, too. I look forward to being able to dress them in all the cute things we have, especially my personal favorites – the gowns/bags!

Doug and I are enjoying the kids immensely. But, we are getting to the point that we miss each other! It seems like it’s been a century since I’ve had a long time with Doug. No more cuddling at night and talking. We hit the pillow and are out in a instant. But I remember it being that way after Audrey was born. It’ll pass, I guess.

I’m doing fairly well physically. My biggest struggle is fatigue, of course. I’ve always been the type of girl who need at least 10 hours of sleep. So the 2-4 hours of sleep I get in small shifts through the night and day are just not cutting it. I think the lack of sleep is the source of my headaches. My blood pressure is within normal range now, although, strangely enough, still higher than during the pregnancy. Almost all of my swelling has dissipated now. It seems like lately, all that extra fluid is making its way out via nasty night sweats! My stomach is still very sore. The doctor says it’s still bruising from carrying three babies and trying to get them all delivered during surgery. Some of my pain is a bit mysterious, causing us to wonder already about endometriosis. The surgeons saw some during the delivery. I’ll be heading back to our fertility doctor soon to map out the management of the endometriosis and impending hysterectomy. Now that I’m 6weeks out from the c-section, I’ve officially mourned the loss of any and all elasticity in my poor stomach. The doctor says to give it more time, because it’s still so early. But really, I know that my belly stretching to 55 inches is impossible to recover from. So, despite being 10lbs less than when I got pregnant, I can’t help feeling pretty nasty. I try to get folks to think of it this way – it’s almost like I was involved in some sort of accident. Permanently disfigured. I looked one way one day, and totally different the next. Maintaining the proper perspective will be a new challenge. I just need to look into the eyes of my 3 babies when I’m tempted to become vain. My family is a good trade off for the way I look!