This week has been so rough. I think we had our quick moments of highs when we got to see our babies on ultrasound. But, most of the other time, has been miserable for me. This is the sickest week I’ve had so far. I’m either throwing up, wishing I were just going to throw up, thinking about not throwing up, lining trash buckets with extra bags for the next throw up, trying to prevent throwing up, and/or running to go throw up. You get the idea.
I feel like I’ve tried everything and am to the point that I don’t want any more suggestions about controlling nausea. I’ve been trying it all: Vitamin B6, Sea Bands, Zofran, Maalox, frozen things, lemon drops, ginger candy, ginger tea, peppermint tea, eating lots of crackers through out the day, ginger ale, cold cloths, breathing techniques, smiling, sweet things, salty things, etc. There’s nothing left to try. Trust me.
I’m also sorta over all the jokes and all the not-so-sympathetic reminders that this is a good sign or that ‘this is part of having a baby and after all, this is what you wanted.’ Wow, I just can feel the love every time someone says that. All these jokes and comments are heard (in triplicate) regarding the impending doom/challenges of having 3 babies to take care of. And reminders about the how the pregnancy will be difficult because of multiples. DUH! I know these more than anyone else, trust me!
I knew pregnancy wouldn’t be a walk in the park. I know raising children can be an exhausting and a frustrating challenge that will ensue for years. For weeks now, I’ve been fighting the desire to admit to a lot of my fears. I feel like I’m trying hard to not complain….but maybe I’m just fooling myself.
I have a bunch of obvious fears that I’m sure most folks can anticipate. I’m concerned about how Audrey will adjust. She’ll be about 8 years old when the babies come. It would be hard for any child to share the spotlight with one sibling after that many years, but Audrey will have to share with 3 babies – 3 high maintenance babies. I am deeply concerned about homeschooling Audrey while juggling care for the babies. I’m extremely concerned about the massive belly! Thank goodness only Doug sees all the scars and evidences of so many surgeries, but it all but make me squeamish to think of what it’s gonna look like once those babies are pulled out of a tummy that’s been stretched to maximum capacity. Since I’ve struggled my whole life with weight, despite any dieting or exercise regimen, can you fathom the scope of my oompa-loompa complex!?! If I’m short and fat pre-triplets, what’ll I look like later? Oh, I’m anxious about my health during the care of these children. I’m not one of those people like my sister who wakes up at the crack of dawn and conquers the world before most folks even had breakfast. And how are we going to afford everything – a van, cribs, car seats, swings, bouncers, diapers, bottles, clothes, etc? I think it’s been long enough that I have forgotten about all that I need!! …..But these aren’t even some of the more anguishing thoughts, to be honest.
Even though I knew pregnancy would be somewhat difficult, I had high hopes that it would be full of memorable, bonding, pleasant moments. After working so hard to have children, I had hoped the answer to my prayers would be wrapped in some sort of reprieve, if you will. When I got that first positive pregnancy test, I immediately pictured and desired all the joys of pregnancy. I thought of the pregnant belly, delivery day, and getting to hold my baby for the first time, nursing that baby, etc. But when I found out there were three babies, all those hopes seemed to get greatly distorted.
There have been some moments of serious grieving for me. Mourning the loss of so many of those things I had dreamed of as enjoyable, special, and hopeful. My mind switched to the fear involved in carrying three lives whom all have more going against them than a normal baby. I’ve been mourning the loss of the dream that I’ll get to snuggle my babies when they’re minutes old, still goopy, and needing my warmth. Instead, they’ll be whisked away by strangers with the warm of a heater while I lay there with only a silly sheet and massive repair work on my belly. Instead of Doug and I having our alone time with the babies to pray over them, sing to them their song, and begin nursing right away (like what we did with Audrey), someone else will be caring for them without any thought to asking God for help. And more than likely, they’ll be no nursing, if they’re in the NICU with issues. These are HUGE deals to me. Maybe they’re the things most women just assume and take for granted. But when they’re all gone, it puts a different spin on the whole pregnancy, birth, and early infancy for me.
And yet everyone thinks that if I’m not melting away in sheer elation, that I’m an ungrateful child of God –asking for a baby and getting irritated when He gives three. Please, don’t think that I am not overjoyed with the babies. I’m elated for having my quiver full in an instant. But I think most folks see just an end, while I see the ends and the means.
Yesterday, the nurse practitioner called my house 4 times. Each call seemed to get progressively discouraging to me. Each call seemed to confirm the reality of 3 babies and guard me from ever looking at any of this for even just a second through rose-colored glasses.
Apparently the Imitrex that I’ve taken twice for my migraines during the pregnancy is a HUGE no-no. To drive their point home, they were sure to even relay a terrible story of one mom’s use of Imitrex during pregnancy. Gee thanks. I was encouraged to see my neurologist to see if there is anything I can do to prevent or manage a headache. Since my headaches are NOTHING like the average migraine sufferer, these is a huge deal. Since about the age of 14, I’ve ALWAYS carried Imitrex on my person. Always! For someone to yank that safety net right out from under me, is freaking me out.
The doctor said that since I’m at ‘advanced maternal age for triplets’, I need to be checked for diabetes starting in my 12th week. Soooooo many problems in this for me. #1 -I’m 33. How’s that old? #2 – Obviously I want to do what’s best for babies’ health, but diabetes is just one of those things that freaks me out. I’ve always been the fat one in the family. With a brother who has diabetes, I’ve always felt like a ticking time bomb. Now with my risk of developing it skyrocketing because I’m carrying 3 babies, it really frightens me. #3- I can’t fast for a test when I’m this sick. I can’t.
So it was decided that due to the nausea, I will begin testing my blood sugar 4x/day for a week at home. They said they didn’t prefer this route…..but I don’t prefer the other route!
Last night Doug went to the drug store, and there’s now this massive collection of prescription bottles, vitamins, and supplements. And bottles of ensure now take up a good space in the fridge. If I can’t keep 3 bites of yogurt down, how do I keep fifty-zillion pills down? And if I feel too frazzled and tired to keep up with my normal schedule of life, how can I remember 1 of this, 2 of these, 3 of these, 4 of these, these with food, these on an empty stomach, this with this but only when….. Aghhhh. So they say to get one of those huge pill sorters that elderly folks use. SURE….since after all, I’m at an advanced maternal age!