Doug and Rebecca Walker

Once again, our implantation was cancelled. It was supposed to be yesterday. Yesterday has come and gone and the lives of these little babies are suspended in liquid nitrogen. But even still, they are not out of their Creator’s view! At times is can just be so aggravating – those babies needing a chance to live and hear about our God and we, desiring so badly to raise them to know Him. So again, we just trust that God’s plan is best!

We’ve got decisions to make. We’ve got broken hearts needing a little encouragement. And we have Audrey that needs helps navigating through this too. Again we find ourselves needing wisdom that only God can grant to us.

We never went into this process thinking we were guaranteed a baby. Instead, we wanted to try. We wanted 3 tries to rescue these lives. We wanted to say that we gave it our best shot and the decision to have a hysterectomy would seem like a wise option. I suppose we didn’t really take into account the idea that maybe we wouldn’t get all of our tries because of complications. Our desire for a child hasn’t changed. But time is ticking by – money doesn’t grow on trees, I continue to age, and it weighs us down month after month, year after year!

So we would ask again, like usual, that you’d beseech the Lord on our behalf. How long should we continue to try to implant embryos? Should we pursue a different type of adoption? And if so, when? How long should I let the endometriosis continue? And when do we chuck it all and come to grips that we will not pursue any other avenue? And how can we, through all this, most clearly reflect God? Will our lives show that we who were dead in our trespasses and sins were raised to life with Christ because of His rich mercy and great love?

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It’s the eve of Audrey’s 7th birthday!

Seven years ago today I was busy readying for Audrey’s arrival. I was cleaning and organizing and trying to stay calm. Mom and dad were arriving and helping with me accomplish my last minute to-do list. Doug was writing me a poem! Doug is quite the poet (for those who didn’t know it…sorry, I couldn’t resist)! He would give me that poem early the next morning before leaving for the hospital and would sob my heart out.

Tangible Answer to Prayer
Her birth day would be a day like none other. Physically, it was the most wretched day in my life. In every other way, it was the best day of my life, aside from my wedding day. Audrey has been the most tangible answer to prayer I’ve ever experienced. And thanks to her, it doesn’t matter if I’m ever able to have another child, she has qualified me as a MOM! That day started an emotional tradition in our home on her birthday of praying over her and reading to her Psalm 139. Doug and I especially cannot hold it together when we read to her:

For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance ;in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them. 
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
   I awake, and I am still with you

We tried for 4 years to have Audrey. It’s now been 12 years that we have been trying to grow a family. We begged God for a child and invested countless dollars, prayers, doctor visits, and discussions trying to have a child. I’m not sure what it’s like to want a child and have the desire granted immediately. I will never know that. But I think, in a way, having a child after trying for so long and desiring so intently, that it’s likened to anything in life that you work hard for and have to wait for. For some, attaining cars, clothes, vacations, retirement, etc comes to them with little effort and little wait. But for the most part, life would seem to support the idea that for those that work harder to achieve their dreams, freedom, possessions, etc, they love and appreciate that more than the easily, and quickly gotten gain. And so it is with Audrey – she has been the prize that cost me more blood, sweat, tears, and money than the average kid out there! She is so precious to me.

I Set My Love Upon Her
Although she’s turning 7, I suppose I have loved her now for about 7 years and 38 weeks! That instant I was told I was pregnant, I chose to set my love upon her. I didn’t even know she was a’ her’, but I loved her! I had loved her before I knew what she would look like, what her personality would be like, what her giggle sounded like. I loved her knowing she could come out with limbs missing, brain not working, or whatever. I had decided if she was green and purple polka-dotted with pink horns, I did love her! I loved her with a hope for who she’d become and with the acceptance that she might not ever be that. And I loved her with the anticipation that she would not love me back in the same way.

When the nurse placed her in my arms and I looked into her little blue and yellow jaundiced gooey eyes, I loved her with all the love possible. I knew there’d be days that she’d wear me out, make me mad, try my patience and tell me she didn’t love me. But I made that choice to love her until my last breath!

Doug – My Husband, Her Daddy
Her birthday marked a day, too, that I would love Doug even more and in a whole new way. On that first night she was born, before we let anyone see her we prayed over her and we sang to her our special song(see below). Then when friends and family had all left the hospital, the nurse brought our wailing Audrey into our room all tightly swaddled (just as she loved to be until about 9 months old!!). She placed Audrey in Doug’s arms and she was instantly soothed. That was a start to a still on-going trend of being Daddy’s girl and I saw Doug in a whole new light. It was another hope/dream that I had fostered in my heart but had finally gotten to see come to fruition. Doug, my husband, now a Daddy. He cuddled her close and looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "Wow, this is amazing! I could do this all over again tomorrow night! How soon do you think we’ll have to wait to do this again?" I don’t suppose I will EVER forget that moment. It’s truly a remarkable thing when not only is a wife’s dream a husband’s dream, but also when both people’s dream gets answered at the same moment! Not only was Audrey my prize, but she was Doug’s – the person I love most on this planet, and the person I most wanted to make happy, was pleased! It was one of those moments I wish I could have frozen in time and been assured by God Himself that never would I ever forget this pinnacle moment of happiness and gratefulness in both our lives. Audrey Jillian, weighing 7lbs even, all yellow and with one ear tipped out, we had found a God blessing us in a new way, never experienced before or since!

Pa
renting Audrey
Doug and I have loved these 7 years God has given us with Audrey. She is a fabulous kid! She’s spunky, empathetic, intelligent, and funny. She’s constantly full of drama and pithy statements. Her vocabulary skills are better than most adults and her excitement is contagious. She’s been very into drawing and crafty things this year. She’s gotten all A’s in school. Her achievement tests would make any high-school momma proud. She’s taught us deeply about our Heavenly Father and has caused us to praise God more fully for His provisions. Although she can confound us with her deep inquisitions on life’s most weighty matters, she’s given out countless opportunities to ponder some deep Biblical theology! She’s entering into an age of snarky, sassy attitudes, but we trust that God will continue to give us wisdom and patience and that Audrey’s heart would be tender towards her Maker.

Our greatest, deepest desire and prayer for her is that she would deny herself, take up her cross, and follow Christ. It makes no difference at all how intelligent she is, how kind her words may be, or how cute she is. What matters most and for all eternity is that she would see the punishment her sin deserves, that she repent, trust only in the saving merit of Jesus’s blood, and obey God’s Word. Her greatest ‘success’, most beautiful reward, or highest praise mean nothing to us if she does not trust Christ for her salvation.

The Bittersweetness
We do find her growing-up to be a very bittersweet moment. We cherish the years we’ve been given with her. We delight in seeing her learn and experience new things. But each new moment we have with her means former memories are forgotten. So often I wish I could remember the sound of her toddler voice, her first prayer, her funny sayings, what her cheek felt like against mine as she slept in my arms, etc. But as she gets older, I do too, and I forget….I guess I shouldn’t continue down this road of thought….enough tears have been shed today already.

The other aspect that makes the moment sad for us, is the unfulfilled desires for siblings for her. For a long time now Audrey’s not had a playmate, someone to share in life’s excitements, someone to minister to, someone to minister to her. She’s not had anyone else to laugh with, learn with, and pretend with, share with. And for as much as that pains us all now, I can’t help but wonder how deep that life-long solitude will affect her.

Being the youngest in my family, I’ve always, only known what life is like with siblings. Holidays and birthdays were more fun because of siblings. Playtime was always better with a playmate. Vacations were always richer because of siblings. Laughter was always a little longer because of a sibling. You can’t have reunions with out siblings. Reunions have always been a huge part of my life. When I think about life way down the road and I’m dead and gone, my sibling’s have plenty of kids to start their own big reunions and traditions. Audrey will have no one. When Doug and I are dying and needing care in old age, it’ll be all on her shoulders, with no one to help her. My sweetest memories involve all my siblings’ weddings and the birth of their kids. Audrey will not be in any weddings and won’t have nieces and nephews. I call on siblings when disaster hits, joys are fulfilled, Scriptures are confusing, sin is threatening, and times are lonely. Who will be Audrey’s iron sharpening iron? Who will help on her walk through this life? Had it not been for my brother, and our long talks over the phone and on each other’s beds late into the evening, I may never have given Christ my heart.

Our Portion Forever
I am not in despair. If God can cause the blind to see, the lame to walk, the sinner to be saved, the guilty to be set free, and the condemned to be made clean, He can surely and without trouble make Audrey whole, sanctified, and joyful. He can be her Prince of Peace. He will be faithful to complete the work that He has started in her. And Audrey can discover and claim the truths in Psalm 73:25-26

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

This verse has been earmarked in my Bible for 15+years as I’m often tempted to put my hope in people. I make Doug and Audrey and even the dream for more babies into an idol, thinking they will give me all the joy I need. If Audrey should ever desire a sibling in the way that I desire a sibling for her, I pray that this will be her heart’s cry.

We are doubtful that Audrey will have a sibling. But we say to her these words from 2 Timothy 3:

But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them;  
And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: 
That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

And we pray that, with or without siblings, may she find Doug and I to have faithfully and richly loved her with the love that only we can give her. May she say that she saw Christ in us. May she forgive us for the times we’ve been impatient, or not as encouraging as we should, or selfish with our time. May she be grateful for the level of accountability we’ve held her to and be grateful for the hard work we’ve made her do. May she trusts our heart and finds shelter in our authority. May she look as us and say that God is good!

THE SONG
We used to sing to Audrey when she was in the womb Fernando Ortega’s song, "If You Were Mine". We changed a few words to change the verbs to present tense the night that she was born. This is Audrey’s song!

When my heart is troubled and I am weighed down,
Then I like to think of how this lonesome world has changed
Now I can see your face, & hold you in my arms
Cause you are mine, cause you are mine.

If you have a bad dream I will jump inside it,
And I will fight for you with all the strength that I can find.
I will lead you home by your tiny hand
Cause you are mine, cause you are mine.

I will sing of love on the blackest night.
I will sing of God, and how His goodness fills our lives.
I will sing to you, til the morning light
Cause you are mine, cause you are mine.

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DOCTOR’S REPORT
Well, Sunday’s early morning doctor appointment turned out to be different than we expected. I was thinking they’d either give me an ‘all clear’ or a ‘sorry’. The gist of the update is that, things are not progressing as they should, but the doctor isn’t going see if things settle down and get corrected by themselves. So, we’ll have a recheck on the 16th, a few days before the scheduled implantation.

I suppose it’s somewhat helpful to have not had the door completely closed on us. But the ‘wait and see’ mode is rough. Very rough.

JULY 4th
Sunday, we spent July 4th evening with our small group from church (Grace Community Church in Maryville). One of our friends -the Schroeders- have an amazing on house, on some gorgeous property! It was the perfect setting for picnicking, fireworks, and fellowship. The kids enjoyed water gun fights, a sack race, three-legged race, and other similar games.

Doug didn’t have to work on Monday! That was fabulous. So we took Audrey to her first swim lesson, went to see Toy Story 3, snagged some loot from Bath and Body Works’ last sale day and ran to the Disney store. I also got our lawn mowed and uploaded lots of pics to Facebook.

AUDREY’S SWIM LESSONS
Audrey was both excited and nervous for her swim lessons. She knew Doug and I weren’t getting in the pool with her, so that was disconcerting to her. She had asked me a massive barrage of questions about swim lessons and whenever I can’t answer them ALL, she feels unsettled. Doug and I prayed with her poolside before the class started. Doug and I sat at the opposite end of the pool to allow her some ‘independence’. But her "HI MOM AND DAD" echoed all the way down the indoor pool, several times! And every few minutes she waved to us.

Doug and I completely prepared for her to repeat the class. Athletic ability isn’t her strong suit! She tends to get overly fearful and concerned about how she looks in front of others. I want her to learn the old adage that ‘winning isn’t everything’, of course. She needs to relinquish the pride of wanting to look able and knowledgeable. She must learn to work for the Lord and not for man! I want her to learn to participate in games/events that aren’t her favorite in order to allow her friends an opportunity for a fun game and learn that fellowship is often found in games and organized events. She wants her friends to sit and draw and TALK with her even though she knows that some of her friends don’t draw well. Shouldn’t she play a game of kickball with all her excited friends even though she thinks it’s stupid!? Sports offer her a good opportunity in so many things-not complaining, helping out the team, working diligently, doing something healthy for your body, graciously accepting the rules of the game, and listening to the suggestions of others.

For anyone out there who know of things in the area to get Audrey involved in, let me know. I’ve been trying to keep my eyes peeled for affordable programs/opportunities for her to meet some other kids and get some strength & agility training!

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It’s been a full day of doctors, physical therapy, Walmart, errands, intense child-rearing, tending the flowers, phone calls, and even a little homeschooling. I’m beat! It’s late and unfortunately there are still 3 baskets of laundry needing to be folded, a pile of junk that needs to go upstairs, a pile that needs to come downstairs, and there are still coffee mugs sitting on the coffee table -but this last one doesn’t seem to bother me as much as it seems somewhat poetic, and appropriate!!

July is such a crazy month. Physical therapy for my back/ribs is 3x/week. Audrey is taking swim lessons. We have a week of Back Yard Bible Club at church. Fourth of July, Audrey’s birthday, and Chick-Fil-A’s Cow Appreciation Day. I’m trying to wrap up this school year and get prepared for a new one. It’s mentally challenging, physically exhausting, emotionally draining, and somewhat sleepless!

And of course, another embryo implantation is planned for this month. I’m trying to be gracious to the center and forgive the countless mishaps at our expense. They acknowledge that I seem to get lost in the shuffle repeatedly and seem to be surrounded by unusual circumstance. But the roller coaster does take its toll on me in every way imaginable.

So this month, the doctor got me started late on the medicine schedule, but I was reassured that medications could be manipulated and my body could catch up. So I’ve been following the schedule, popping pills, ordering meds through the mail, getting woken up by phone calls and FedEx packages, watching the calendar, sorting papers, paying the bills, asking questions, getting blood drawn, and so on. All with hopes that this will be our shot! Not necessarily even that this would be a pregnancy. Although that is the ultimate hope, we’ve be hoping for a legitimate try! A ‘normal’ attempt at an implantation so that -pregnancy or not-I felt like I could say ‘I gave it my best shot!’

Ahhhh, but for those who even casually know we, know that nothing is every normal for me! I live this strange, para-normal world with constant disbelief following me. Doctors always saying ‘ Huh, I’ve just never seen this before!’ At times that dreadful pining to ‘just be normal’ squelches the breath I have left in me!

So today’s check-up shows again that things aren’t following the doctor’s expected, typical case. So I will be going back to the doctor Sunday morning for a re-check to see if I’ve gone past the point of being medicinally course corrected. It’s not a closed door, yet, but I sorta think I hear the door creaking, if you know what I mean! We’ll see. It’s NEVER out of God’s control! Praise God that there is always peace that passes understanding.

My tomato plants are doing really well in their containers. They look so big and beautiful. Tiny green tomatoes and countless flower buds offer hope of juicy deliciousness! We’re enjoying all the herbs so far, too. This year I have basil, mint, sage, parsley, chives, rosemary, and thyme.

Audrey starts swim lessons on Monday. She’s excited, but reservedly. She isn’t completely convinced the YMCA isn’t making a mistake by letting Daddy in the water with her. But, we’re hoping that an instructor will be able to instruct her better than we can!

Doug’s birthday was a fabulous weekend. We went to the Ripley’s Aquarium in Gatlinburg as they have tremendous discounts for homeschool families. Mom and dad came over and helped us consume tons of tasty morsels. Borrowing mom’s electric skillet made frying Doug’s Chicken Corn Fritters a breeze. I only fry about ever other year as I loathe frying in a pan on an electric stove top. The green chile cream sauce poured over the top of the fritters heighten them to a level only few have ever tasted. Roasted cauliflower and asparagus – Douggie’s favorite veggies. Peanut butter, Doug’s all-time favorite dessert. We watched the old ‘Swiss Family Robinson’ with my parents, too. Mom and dad surprised Doug with a small delivery to his office and touched his heart as they have continued to for 12+ years now. He also got to play lots of Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii – he really enjoys that bunches.

We look forward to Audrey’s birthday next weekend. I have a whole week to blog about all the emotions I have surrounded the fact that she’ll be turning 7 – so I’ll spare you and hold off a bit on that!

I’ve been learning to use my new Droid cell phone. Doug’s a great, patient teacher. He, the techno guru, trying to teach me, the stay at home mom, actually is a better picture than you may be conjuring up. His tutelage in this area still falls within the realm of his tender, patient, loving character! However, the funny thing is that the phone happens to be a quirky, faulty phone, so I’m waiting on the new Incredible Droid to arrive from being on backorder. Hopefully, I’ll be even more technically savvy, and on-line with a faster connection soon. That anticipation is delight Doug to his inner-most geeky self!

Although – it’s kinda funny. Just tonight, Audrey asked Doug something and his response to her was: "well, we have all the information we could possibly want on the World Wide Web at just a touch of our fingers — or we could just call Grandpa because he’s probably already researched anything we’d want to know about and has already put it all together in a more organized, concise synopsis. So maybe we could just call Grandpa first!" Hats off to you, my intelligent, industrious, engineer father!

Doug tried to spontaneously lighten the weight of my day by renting a movie. He brought home "Eight Below" on the recommendation of my dad. It’s rated PG and is based on a true story, so, what could go wrong? Ummmm, it’s about dogs. Worse yet, 8 dogs. EIGHT! DOGS! They only way it could have been worse is had there been an infertile couple in the story and/or my sister Gayle were with me. Gut-wrenching. Seriously. At one point all three of us had tears running down our cheeks. Hopefully we’ll all recover from the trauma and our beloved, Sadie, will trust the promises vowed to her that if she should ever be stranded in Antarctica, we will indeed risk our own lives to save her…….. As soon as the credits started rolling, Audrey stands up with swollen eyes and says "OK, I wouldn’t say I treasured that!" We looked at her with an inquisitive expression and she grabs the movie case and points to the back. She had read before the movie, ‘You and your family will treasure this heroic story of….." Audrey is more a delight than any words – even her words- could relay!

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