So by now, everyone’s heard of May’s cancelled embryo implantation. Seems like via email, Facebook, and the proverbial grapevine, this news is now old news. But in the unlikely case, there’s actually someone who reads our blog, this is for you!
May 27th was supposed to be our day. It has come and gone with little care for most, but copious amounts of tears (again) from us.
One week before the scheduled procedure the doctor was concerned that my body wasn’t in the proper stage necessary, despite the tedious drug schedule I was on. The Dr sent me home for the weekend with a last minute change in medicines designed to put me on the fast track of mimicking pregnancy. When I went back just a few days before the scheduled implantation, the Dr confirmed that I was indeed not where I should be. It was obviously decided that because I was far from being ready, it would be foolish to continue knowing I was not giving our adopted embryos an optimal condition for survival.
Again, the plug was pulled last minute on us for this adoption. It seems as though it’s a trend for us. It’s a constant roller coaster of decisions, writing checks, taking medication, making plans, and derailment when the end is so close in view. So, it goes with out saying, that our family is very disheartened – so much so, that Doug didn’t go into work that day after receiving the bad news and we spent the day together crying, praying and talking…..and seriously crying even more!
Although it feels sometimes like everything is out of control, we believe that it is not. We believe that God planned all of this and we trust His loving plan. I would love to say that we are at complete rest, but that would be exaggerating the greatness of our faith. We are still sinners, struggling with the complete relinquishment of our desires and plans. So I should paint a picture more of a woman wrestling to give control to my heavenly Father. It’s exhausting to see my own daily struggle with God as I flop back and forth with my ‘Indian-giver’ fashion of faith. "Not my will, but Yours be done!" and then "God it’s not quite fair." Some days, upon reflection of my heart, I long for heaven so that I may love God with an unsinning heart.
We press on, of course. We continue, as we have for years, to pray that above all else, God teaches us to be content and faithful. We continue to pray for children, but recognize that if God says ‘Yes’, ‘No’, or ‘Wait’, all are equally good answers. We are not taking any events as signs that our desires or plans are good or bad or that God is confirming or denying His will for us. We strive to constantly be in His Word, in prayer, and seeking counsel, so that we may see if we are being obedient as circumstances change. Christian’s often refer to ‘doors closing’ or suddenly not having ‘peace’ about something. We want to seek God’s will and obey the Scriptures, so we constantly evaluate our obedience and apply Scriptural principles to the situation while asking God for wisdom. Our peace comes when we trust that when we obey God He will do what He says He will do. Peace is generated from trusting what I know about God and is not generated from and acted upon the emotion a situation evokes.
We plan to continue to stay with the embryo adoption program. We still have the same 6 adopted embryos in our names and will reattempt the implantation this July. We know full well that this plan could be thwarted and although we don’t feel good about that, we have peace!
Following my usual course of blogging, here’s your part – your own role in our infertility. Ha! That sounds weird…..Let’s try this – Here’s where you can help us fight the good fight and keep the faith. Pray that:
- We would be patient and content.
- We would properly shepherd Audrey’s heart as she responds to not having a sibling she deeply desires.
- That God would continue to strengthen our marriage. They say disease/chronic illnesses, infertility, and loss of a child are some of the ’causes’ of marital strife and divorce. We have all 3!
- My health and energy. Currently I’m taking an antibiotic for a uterine infection. Taking these medications are seriously scary for us, after a 3 month battle with c.difficile colitis.
And my for my closing trend. A song!
Jesus I am Resting Resting
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.
Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvellous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.
Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!
Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ‘neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.